AA Meetings
by Whammy
Summary: My name is Faith and I'm an alcoholic." Can Faith shape up for Buffy? B/F of course.


Every Tuesday night, I force myself into a church basement. I'm not gonna lie, it helps, but being there makes me own up to all my fucked up shit. This Tuesday is just like the rest. Glance at the clock and realize I'm gonna be late. Speed to the church. Park like shit. One minute left. Run down the stairs. Sit on the small, plastic chair closest to the door. Meeting starts.

"I'm Faith and I'm an alcoholic," I say on the days I need to get stuff off my chest. Yeah, I have more problems than that, but I'm not gonna bitch about the things I can't control.

"Hi Faith," they say in unison.

"I've been straight for thirty days. And every day it's hard. Really fucking hard. But I know that I need to be able to love myself before anyone can ever love me. Ya know? Like I used to think that if I got drunk all my problems would go away. I wouldn't have to deal with them. I didn't realize that it just caused more problems."

Thirty one days ago.

The whiskey slides down my throat too easily. I drink too much, but this is nothing new. I turn around when I hear my name. It's you; of course it's you. The one person I love is someone who could never love me back. I understand why, I mean I did try to kill you. I went off the deep end for a while. But I'm better now. Drinking keeps me from doing that again.

"Hey Faith," you say.

"Hey B," I reply. I turn away from you, towards the bartender, signaling him to send me another. Damn, why does it hurt to just look at you?

"You wanna dance?" you ask.

Fuck B, are you trying to kill me? I can't pass up this opportunity to be close to you. I'm pathetic. I down my shot and follow you to the dance floor. We end up in the middle, where everyone can see us. You are so close to me that I feel like I'm breathing you in. Then I do something stupid. I pull you into me, hard, and kiss you. For a second, you like it, but then you realize you're mad.

"Faith!"

"Aw, come on B, you know you want it."

You look so pissed. You grab me and pull me outside, making our scene just a tad bigger.

"What is wrong with you?!" you scream.

"Nothing B. I was just doing what you've been too afraid to."

I think I'm making a valid point. In reality, I'm just pissing you off even more.

"I can't do this with you."

"What are you talking about?"

"I can't be with you when you're like that."

"You want to be with me?"

"Yes! No! No, I can't! You're so abrasive! You can't ever think of anyone but yourself! I can't be with you when you do shit like that all the time. Last week, you knocked that guy unconscious because he looked at you funny. Yesterday, you cussed out an old lady. If we're ever going to be together, you need to get your shit together."

"My shit is together," I say defensively. I think I've come a long way since high school. That shit was stupid. This is nothing.

"No, it isn't. Do you get up every morning, look at yourself in the mirror and think 'I'm a good person?' I want you to be. You have no idea how badly I want you to be. But you can't be drinking like that all the time. It makes you do stupid things."

"No it doesn't! It keeps me from doing stupid things! The things I did before were terrible. It keeps me from thinking about them. What I did to those people. What I did to you."

She stepped closer to me and grabbed my hand, squeezing it. "Faith, I forgave you a long time ago. You need to forgive yourself. Understand why you did it and why you won't do it again."

"But B-" I say, but she stops me with a soft kiss.

"Call me when you're sober Faith. I'll be waiting," she says and walks away from me.

"B wait. B! Buffy!" I yell out. But she is gone.

Now.

"So I am finally coming to terms with it all. I know that drinking isn't going to solve my problems. I have to fix them and be better than who I used to be. And I think I am. I don't take what's not mine. I finally see that I need to believe in me; I don't need someone to do that for me. And ya know what? I like who I am. Maybe I'm a little more forward than I should be, but I that's me. I think I make up for it. I'm pretty loyal and protective of the people I care about. That's good right?" I pause. People laugh. I look around. I see you. You smile at me. "I know I'm not done yet, but I'm well on my way," I say. I sit down. The lead dude stands up and thanks me. All I can do is stare at you. Wonder how you knew where I am. But I'm happy you heard all that. At the end of the meeting, I get my chip for thirty days of sobriety. Strangers who know those intimate details about my life congratulate me with handshakes. One even tries to hug me. I awkwardly hug back and see you laughing at me. The only person I want to hug is you. When the only people left in the basement are the two of us, I walk over to you. You have been talking to the leader of my group. I hope he's said good things, but in the end, I know that only I can make you see that I've changed.

"God Faith, I don't even know what to say," you start.

"How'd you find me?" I ask.

"I've been keeping tabs on you. I was worried, don't take it the wrong way," you say quickly.

"It's okay B. It feels nice to know you care about me," I reply.

"Of course I do. I'm glad to see you finally care about you too," you say with more sincerity than I can stand. I pull you in close to me for a hug. You hug me back and all I want to do is cry. The problem is, I can't. I'm Faith. I'm too bad for that crying shit. It passes and I let you go. You don't say anything to me. Instead, you take my hand and lead me outside. I follow without any hesitation. If there's one person I trust, it's you. You know that. I have no idea where you're taking me, but I still follow. We end up on the roof where you tried to kill me. I guess to be fair, I was sorta trying to kill you too.

"B, what are you doing? I don't want to be here."

I don't. I hate this place. I'd burn it down if I weren't trying to be a better person.

"I know you don't, but before we can be together, there's one more thing you have to do."

"I'm trying, I really am. But I don't know how much more of this I can do."

"One more thing for me and I'm yours," you say, selling me.

"Okay, what?" I ask, trying not to sound desperate. We both know I am.

"You need to forgive yourself."

"How am I supposed to do that?" I am confused. Being here makes me angry for the dumb shit I did.

"Say it out loud. Remember what you did and say 'I forgive myself.' You have to move past this Faith," you say. The only reason I haven't run away is because you're holding my hand. I don't want to be here. I don't want to do this. But I do want you. And this is what you want from me. I see it all in my head again. I hate that we fought like that. I can't bring myself to say it though. It's too fucked up to be forgiven. You see my hesitation.

"Alright, I'll do it first. I tried to kill you here. It was one of the worst things I have ever done in my life and I would take it back in a heartbeat if I could. But, I forgive myself because I can't change the past, only the future. You are my future Faith."

I smile. You make me do that. I take a deep breath.

"I thought that no one needed me. So when someone finally did, or at least pretended to, I was willing to do whatever he wanted." I start.

You cut me off. "I needed you."

"Yeah, I know that now. Just let me finish. I was so blinded because for once in my life, someone cared about me. At that point, I didn't even care about me. And that's where the problem was. I needed someone to believe in me, to have faith in me. I didn't realize that person was you all along, not until it was too late. So, yeah, I've finally learned something from all these fucked up mistakes I made. And- And I forgive myself."

It felt good to say it; you were right. You wrap your arms around my neck when you hug me. I pull you in at the waist and wish that we could just stay that way. You pull away, but not for too long. Your hands find their place on my face. I let you pull me in for a kiss. The moon sheds the right amount of light on your face so that you look perfect. You whisper 'I love you' into my mouth and I smile knowing I'll never drink again.


End file.
